Why I Can't Have a Normal Dating Life Anymore
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Dating while being an Asian escort is basically impossible, and not for the reasons you might think.
It's not that I can't separate work from personal life, or that I've become jaded about intimacy, or any of the other assumptions people make about sex workers and relationships.
The problem is much more practical: how do you build a relationship with someone when you can't be honest about fundamental aspects of your life?
I tried dating a guy named Jake for about three months last year, and the constant lying was exhausting.
"What did you do today?" he'd ask, and I'd have to make up some story about studying or running errands when I'd actually spent the afternoon with a client.
"Why are you always free during the day but busy in the evenings?" Easy - because that's when I work, but I couldn't say that.
"How can you afford this restaurant/outfit/vacation?" Because I make way more money than he thinks I do, but explaining that would require explaining how.
The lies compound on each other until you're basically creating an entire fictional version of your life to maintain a relationship.
Plus, there's the constant anxiety about being discovered. What if he sees me with a client? What if someone who knows what I do runs into us together? What if he finds my work phone or advertising photos?
I broke things off with Jake before he could find out the truth, which was probably unfair to both of us but felt safer than dealing with his reaction to learning about my work.
The few guys I've tried to be honest with have had reactions ranging from fascination to disgust to trying to "save" me from my choices.
One guy seemed initially accepting but then became obsessed with getting details about my work. He wanted to know about specific clients, what services I provided, how much money I made. It felt voyeuristic and gross.
Another guy said he was fine with it but then started getting jealous and possessive, questioning every text message and trying to control my schedule.
The worst was probably the guy who decided I needed "rescuing" and kept pushing me to quit and let him support me financially. He couldn't understand that I chose this work and didn't need or want to be saved from it.
There's also the practical issue that my work schedule is unpredictable and often involves evenings and weekends, which makes it hard to maintain regular dating routines.
Plus, the emotional labor of this work sometimes leaves me wanting quiet time at home rather than performing emotional availability for a boyfriend too.
I think about trying online dating sometimes, but how do you even approach that honestly? "Professional escort seeking genuine relationship, please don't fetishize my job or try to save me from it."
The isolation is probably the hardest part of this work, and the inability to date normally just makes it worse.
I know other sex workers who've managed to build successful relationships, but it requires finding someone very specific - someone who can handle the work, respect the boundaries, and deal with the secrecy and stigma that comes with dating a sex worker.
Those people exist, but they're rare, and finding them while maintaining operational security for your work is incredibly challenging.
